| Trials and Tribulations |
[Sep. 24th, 2007|05:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | muzak. kill me now... | ] |
Yeah, it's been like FOREVER (again) since I've updated this thing. I was without internet for about a 1 1/2 years, but just recently I got access to the internet at work. (so epic)
It's so funny, as I look at my last post, only but 2 days after that I met a girl and fell into what I thought was love for over a year, but unfortunately not everything tends to be love...as one finds out the hard way. I think I may be slightly emotionally inept sometimes. But the world hasn't exploded, and sometimes I think of my prior 'depression' as a possibility for a convinient excuse for raging hormones.
I am seeing someone as of now, but I really don't know how serious any of it is, and I kinda wanna keep my options open for everything. I don't know really how serious she is, either. I will admit, I rather miss the convenience of full-on relationships, but also am too sporatic to keep a relationship for a long time. But I've finally decided that I'm (for the most part) completely content with my current actions.
I'm sorry LJ, I have forsaken you for quite a while, but that will all change in the near future, for I have the POWER!!!
...... |
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| All mixxed up... |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|01:07 pm] |
So I finally got my own place, with a roommate, of course. It's a pretty neat place, I guess. Scamming off our neighbors wi-fi for internet and Xbox 360 Live purposes, so I don't know how long it will last.
I broke down last night. It was bad. I'm surprised that the neighbors didn't hear and complain. I can't post anything on Myspace anymore because Jakki thinks that I'm living with my parents and...I just can't go on. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Seriously. SHE'S 16. It did bother me the whole time. But I just sat there, taking everyone's crap. Why? Do I really enjoy pain so much? Or am I just to weak that i FINALLY CAVES? That I felt that I had to buckle down under everyone's pressure...I don't know, but I do know that I'm alone. And it kills me. And I know that I've hurt so many people in the process and I'm so sorry. It wasn't worth it. Losing my parents as friends for a while. (Of course now they're begging me to move back in with them...heh heh...) Misleading people to believe things that are true, but I wanted the here and now, being an impulsive bastard and toying with anothers' feelings like that. I won't name names, but you know who you are and I apologize profusely. I know I have once, but what I did was unfair to everyone, even myself. I haven't been to one of our church gatherings for over a month. And all I do now is just go to work, come home and play games. Again. This was just like my life in Montana which I was trying to get away from. But the difference from there and here is that in Montana I had a lot more friends.
Fuck. I'm just a fuckking wreck. Stupid depression. And there are people that try to help, and I appreciate it, but the problem is is that I don't feel that I want help. I just want to sit there and spiral, thinking about all the things that I've screwed up in my life, doing nothing about them, And another problem is is because of the type of personality I have, I hide my true feelings from people. Working at a bank, I became a salesman. And in order for you to be successful, you have to pretend everything's going just hunkey-dorey so they'll be more intersted in what you're selling. So I come off as the nicest guy who's life is going perfect, when in reality I want to kill myself. Well, maybe that's to an extreme, but in the most recent situations it's true.
Whatever. I'm never gonna be happy anyweay... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2006|10:43 pm] |
Ah, what a weekend.
First, we went to see Ultraviolet. That...was okay. I think I might have understood it better if I had read the comic books, or, whatever it was originally. It was definitely from the creators of the Matrix, lots of random explosions and stuff.
Then last night we went swing dancing. That was pretty cool, but I kinda felt out of my league, because everyone was really good. I'm OK, but no pro, that's fa sho. And I felt embarrassed to ask any girls out to the dance floor because I'm insecure with my dancing skills.
I did get to talk to Kaci alot this weekend, and that always makes me happy. :D *sigh* I wish I was more bold about things. Just...things in general, e.g. asking girls to dance, as mentioned above. Oh well, I guess I'll be an indecisive loser for a while.
I've actually felt...good...for a change for the last few days. Not good, per se, but more...content, with my current situation. Not that I even know what my "current" situation is exactly, but...whatever. *sigh* Why must life be so confusing? Ah, my squeedley-spooch hurts... |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2006|10:31 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | only one - yellowcard | ] |
I've been too sad lately. When I blogged on Myspace, I said that I've been singing to a lot of Yellowcard lately, and I only belt out music like that when I'm sad.
And now I'm sick to my stomach... |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|10:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | rob zombie - thunder kiss 65 | ] |
So I had to buy an alarm for my car. And no, I couldn't buy the cheap version, could I? I had to buy a two-way alarm. 500 dollars later. But, which is the lesser of two evils? Someone getting into my car, stealing 300 bucks worth of subs and about 200 bucks in cd's, plus a broken window or forced entry, (heh...forced entry) or a sweet alarm that's really freakin sensitive and loud? Plus, if I want, I can activate my alarm while I'm driving. So if I do that while I'm playing really loud music, I'll be the most obnoxious person in Seattle. Hell yeah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2006|08:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | yes please! | ] |
Bwaw chicka wauw, beedle-dee beedle-dee beedle-dee waaauuwww! Yeah, that was me playing the guitar. Oooo, that's what I'll do! Take some pictures of me and my new guitar.
Sooooo bored, nothing to do. I wanna talk with peoples, but they're like, three hours different than me. Stupid Benjamin Franklin and his time zone ideas. Heh...Benjamin Franklin. So whenever I get off work at 6, it's like 9 over there. Grrrr. And not Gir. Gi-normous difference. Heh...vaginormous. Ewww.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2006|09:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | guitar | ] |
| [ | music |
| | guitar | ] |
GAUGH!!! I finally got my guitar! Freakin' sweet!
Now if I only knew what I was doing... |
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| Another day, another dolla...yo...? |
[Jan. 24th, 2006|09:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ...meh... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I won't see you tonight: Part 1 and 2 - Avenged Sevenfold | ] |
Fa sho. Anywho...work was...work, I guess. Not that it's really work per se, but it gets me moneys. Yaaaay moneys!
So I applied for a credit card through Wells Fargo about two weeks ago, since I work there. They mailed me back a request for my income verification. Seriously, people, I work there. You know better than I do. Anyway, I called 'em up yesterday, blah blah blah, and they told me to call again today to see if I got it. I called, got it, and I was approved for 5 grand. Oh my gawd...5 grand?! People were telling me $500, and some said I might not get approved just because I never use credit cards. So I'm a little freaked out right now, I hope I'm responsible enough to...be responsible...with it. 0.o But at least I know that I'll be getting my guitar soon! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! GUITAR!!!
Only a little obsessed...
WeeeeeooOOOWEEEEEOOoooooOOOOOO! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 22nd, 2006|11:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | system of a down - toxicity | ] |
Seahawks are goin' to the Superbowl! Yaaay...and such. Yeah, so I went to the game and all. It was cool, but I pretty much only went there to be an absolute freak. And it was LOUD. For a football game, anyway. Ain't no Disturbed concert, that's for sure. The Panthers couldn't even get plays off because they couldn't hear. It was pretty awesome.
So that's the highlight and only thing of my day. Acting loud, obnoxious, rowdy, etc. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 21st, 2006|10:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lethargic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Namie Amuro - Come | ] |
Man, I feel like crap. I did NOTHING today. All I did was...watch some TV, and contemplate selling my 360 because I reeeeaaaaally wanna get my guitar.
I did watch Unleashed, though. That was a pretty freakin' cool movie! I thought it was gonna be all action all the time, but it actually had a really good storyline with it. Of course it's Jet Li, so it's gonna have quite a bit of action. But it didn't feel like the action drowned out the movie, like the rest of the kung-fu genre does. But, hell, I loves me some kung-fu.
Tomorrow I get to go to the NFC Championship game. To those who don't know what that is, it's the game before the Superbowl. Heh, Superbowel....sorry, thinking out loud.....I also watched the Fifth Element again. That's another good movie. Milla Jovovich is pretty freakin' hot in that movie. Mmm...red hair... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 20th, 2006|07:52 pm] |
Hmm...not much to rant about today. It's Friday, and I'm going to the game on Sunday. It'd be cool if the Hawks went to the Superbowl.
I need to find a buyer for my Xbox so I can pay off my guitar. I was looking online and it's a blue Schecter Omen 6-string electric guitar, the cheapo version. But $300 to me isn't cheap. Plus a decent amp, tuner, etc. In the end, it ended up being over $500. And I have no earthly idea how to play guitar. But I am willing to learn.
Man, I've been so out of it lately. I wish I could figure out what I'm doing. At least it's the weekend. Kinda. Right now, nothing really makes me happy. Honestly, I'd rather go to work tomorrow and Sunday, just so I have something to do. And so I can make some more money to pay off my guitar. Ughhhhh.... |
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| Questions and remorse... |
[Jan. 19th, 2006|08:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ghost in the shell - sac ost | ] |
I just realized something today. The future scares the hell outta me. I don't know why, it shouldn't really. I have a stable job, that can turn into a career at any point in time. Personally, I think that's what scares me so much. What if I all of a sudden decide not to want to be in banking anymore? It wouldn't be the first time I make a random, sporadic decision like that. But where would I go? What would I do? It's not like I have a college degree that I can use for the future. What would become of my life?
And then my fear and paranoia go away. Just because of one thing. One thing that is constantly on my mind. One thing that makes me ecstatic, yet makes me feel crying. It's as if I miss something that I have never had. What the hell is wrong with me?! I can't get it out of my head! I'm obsessed, I guess.
Why can't I just have a normal life, instead of this...whatever...that I have? I just want to find a girl, get a nice career, and live happily ever after. Don't I? At least that's what I wanted when I asked myself before. I'm not sure of anything anymore. I definitely want to find a girl, but the rest I'm not so sure about. What is a 'nice career' anwyay? Or even, what is 'happily ever after'? Who defined that as the American dream? I'm already on my way to a career, I guess, but what about the girl? Funny how it all boils down to one thing...
I already know what you're thinking. 'You're only 18. Don't be worried about that until you're 25!' Fuck that. I hate people that say that. I don't even want a 'future wife.' I just want someone I can hang around with. I don't want this 'prize' I can show off to my friends. I want someone I can talk to about a bad day, or a great day that I had. Sure, my parents are here, but it's not the same. I feel like I'm lacking companionship. That's the word. Companionship. And affection. I don't want someone just for sex, I want to feel needed. And vice-versa. I want them to feel needed. 'Course the sex is a bonus, heh.
I probably sound all sappy and what-not, but it's true. I think it's my turn. I've seen good friends get married; hell, I was even in their wedding! I've helped people get hooked up, but the favor's never been returned to me. Fate keeps throwing me a curveball over and over again. You'd think I'd get used to it and be able to hit the damn thing out of the park by now. But I feel like I'm stuck in a groove. What do I do? I need to figure it out... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 18th, 2006|07:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | guilty | ] |
Why do I feel like whatever I do, it feels like I'm doing something wrong? Anything I do makes me feel guilty. It could be.....buying food on my lunchbreak, for example. I think "I shouldn't have done that. All I'm gonna do is get fat from eating this. I should've put that money in my savings account for shit that I actually need." I must be going insane. And there's.....certain other things.....that make me feel...inadequate.
I feel like I'm failing at life. Work isn't helping my unhealthy paranioia either. A week ago I was over almost $180. A few days ago, I didn't report money that came in correctly, even though it didn't need to be reported at all. So we got a fax back from the IRS (or whoever) saying that this didn't get done right when I was actually told by my manager to do it that way. So I get an informal warning, on my third week on the job. Great.
This is my average day. I wake up around 10 a.m., do nothing. I sit and watch TV. Usually it's Angry Beavers. Then I contemplate eating, if I want to and get fat, or if I don't want to and feel miserable for the rest of the day. Once I don't eat, I'm not hungry the rest of the day. Then I check LJ, Myspace, and Hotmail to see if anyone did.....whatever people do. I go to work, and try to leave my problems behind me, which usually doesn't work.
Then I come home at night and the first thing I do is check my LJ, Myspace, and Hotmail, not call any friends up, see if they wanna hang, or whatever. I used to do this in Billings all the time, and check up on my journals. But now it's as if I only exist in cyberspace anymore. And even if I am hanging with some friends, I keep thinking, "Aw man, I should go home and blog, or at least check to see if anyone left me comments," or whatever. And the worst part is that nothing could make me happier. What have I become? It's not the fact that I resent being on here, it's only how it looks to other people.
Normally I don't give a rip about what other people think, but it's not just other people, it's everyone. The internet isn't a widely accepted source among people yet. So people don't understand why someone would want an online journal, where other people can read it. "It's not like a diary, it's more like a source of encouragement from friends. When you have a bad day, you can write about it and your friends can console you, tell you not to blow your head off. When you have a great day, you wanna share with everyone the cool things that happened..." I try to explain, but no one seems to care.
All they think about is how a stalker could want to contact you somehow and kill you. How is that any different than something that could happen in real life? Or how someone can steal your information via the internet. True, but, just like in real life, you hafta be careful. Don't go to suspicious websites. Don't open suspicious emails. Don't download suspicious files. Always LOG OFF. We, as humans, typically misplace, forget, or lose things. Just today we had two people forget their ATM card at the machine. Identity theft, anyone? People just don't understand...
Whoa...got a little off-track. Anywho, back to me. For some reason, after I'm online, I get super depressed and go to bed around midnight. And then I can't get to sleep because I...just get sick. Physically and emotionally ill. I don't know why. It's the stupidest thing. Heh...I'm getting a little queasy just thinking about it. So eventually I get to sleep around 3, 3:30. And that's an average day in the life of Justin. |
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| im disturbed! |
[Jan. 8th, 2006|08:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ten thousand fists...duh, disturbed | ] |
so, i like went to a disturbed concert...it was pretty freakin cool! loud as crap and EVERYONE was moshing, literally the whole floor kept moving the entire time. i about got seasick. that was the most intense concert i have ever been to.......and there were boobs. lots of boobs, which is always cool.....but not having a girlfriend isnt. i went down that road again yesterday, the whole...god im gonna be 19 in 3 months and i got dumped over a year ago...am i jinxed cuz i cant get a girlfriend to save my life..., schpeel. is that how you spell 'schpeel?' its like jewish or something. anywho, im done ranting for now. maybe. but seriously, i feel like i have NO life. all i do is go to work, come home, play some games, watch tv, go to bed........hmm.......that creates a dilemma. i could: 1. go to college, make some friends, but have to do extra work 2. keep doing what im doing now, and maybe eventually make some friends 3. umm, yeah pretty much just those first two. i really hate school, and teachers dont think i apply myself enough. they pull that, 'oh youre a smart boy, but we know you could be doing better if you applied yourself' crap and i just wanna say, 'so i can what, end up being a college professer? how enthralling.' i dont have a problem with authority, i just dont like being told what to do.....ok. now i think im done. soo....yeah.... |
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| yay! ....not really.... |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|06:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | orgy - stitches | ] |
so i work at wells fargo now. its pretty cool, and there are alot of benefits working there and stuff. its in wallingford, on 45th and...something... i got my car fixed! my dad and i worked on it, tuned it up, and it was still broken, so we took it in. we saved about 200 bucks just by tuning it up ourselves though. im bored. i have no social life out here. it sucks in a big way. *sigh* oh well... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|11:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | system of a down - toxicity | ] |
wow, ok, animal crossing rocks out loud. i need to get everyone i know to get a nintendo ds and the game. ok, so thats my parents and you, caveat. come on...i promise its the most funnest thingest everest! (heh...like mt everest...heh) umm...im gonna go and play it now...at freaking 12 at night! *sigh* im terribly addicted to it...again... |
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| Get to da choppa!!! |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|09:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | slipknot-vermillion | ] |
DO IT NOW!!! so i think i'll blog on both sites until i have less time on my hands since i'm currently unemployed. gah...i wish my friends could come out to seattle now. oh yea...update. we just moved back to seattle from billings...again. we're losers i know. but we're actually buying a house this time to make it a more permanent move...hopefully. animal crossing ds comes out tomorrow!! its gonna rock my socks! online multiplayer wi-fi simultaneous! if you didnt understand that sentence you dont deserve to be my friend! YAY!! well, i think i'll let that be for tonight. night... (like anyone actually reads these anyway) |
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| wow |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|10:38 pm] |
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Holy poo i havent blogged in a long time! I changed to myspace cuz more people at work are on it, so i probably wont keep this one updated. on myspace im justaburrr...not that anyone probably looks at my journal entries anyway... |
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| bored... |
[Dec. 24th, 2004|12:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | real life fantasy...again... | ] |
Figured I would write stuff down. Joined a few more communities. Metal Gear Solid and Adult Swim Fans yesterday. Went in service today. Not overly productive. Fun, nonetheless. Went out with an elderly brother who quizzes us (me and Jason) every time we get in his car. Always asks us the same question: What is the definition of sovereignty? And if you dont get it word for word, you owe him a half gallon of ice cream. Problem with me trying to remember is that I have the WORST memory. Fortunately, I was smart enough too write it down in my callbook. In case youre wondering, the definition of sovereignty is (and I quote): "The ultimate authority that determines government." Although I HATE being quizzed on what I know, he is probably the most spiritual person I know. And he is pretty fun to go out with, too.
I was gonna go shopping with Jason and his girlfriend, Krystine, but I didnt feel like it, so now Im writing stuff down. Everyone is going skiing and/or snowboarding tomorrow, since it is christmas day, and theres nothing to do.I wanted to go skiing really bad :( but Im hosting a get-together at my house tomorrow night, so I have to set everything up before everyone gets here. Its gonna be so cool though! Were gonna stay up all night and play BESM (notes on what BESM is, look at previous entry). There will only be about <10 people there, so we wont be too crowded. Anywho, even though its christmas break for regular school kids, since Im home-schooled, I had better get some done before my gram gets home. No rest for the wicked! (lol) Laterz... |
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| ok... |
[Dec. 21st, 2004|10:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | orgy track 4 | ] |
Umm...I haven't had any time to actually sit down and enjoy a session of LiveJournal for almost 1.5 years. Although not TOO much has happened since then. I've changed my taste in music, comedy, and pretty much everything. It is so true when you hear that when you're a teenager you're tastes change in an instant. Honestly, I think I may have found my roots finally, as of late. Being 17 in any instance I think can be stressful, emotional, obnoxious, and any other physical emotion that can be annoying. Depression is another serious emotion that has become commonplace among teenagers. Wait...why am I talking about this weird crap? Yeah...never mind. Anywho...I got into this RPG (role playing game) called Big Eyes Small Mouth (BESM for short). It's an anime RPG and my characteris basically half Trunks from Dragon Ball Z and half Link from Legend of Zelda (very WEIRD combo). It goes on a d20 system. It's pretty damn cool. That's pretty much all I've been doing. I did finally get an xbox. I got Halo 2, KotOR 2, and Project Gotham 2. They're pretty wicked. I also got Metal Gear Solid 3 for Ps2 (very James Bond like) and Metroid Prime 2 for Gamecube (in process of finishing). Well, I want to see how much I was reeeaaaally missed (like you even remember me) so TELL ME DAMMIT!!!!! LOL...Laterz... |
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